The day was lovely- cold and foggy with the sun peeking through. The river and streams misty with the change in temperature and the ice beginning to form on the water. The leaves were crisp and I was inspired! I ran home yesterday to get the camera and take some pictures of nature... and that is where the trouble began.
I had been told by the school bus driver that Batten Road is a great view of the dam once the leaves are off the trees. So I went. It sure is! Let me say that it runs across the ridge at the top of Croton Gorge with a magnificent view of the "New" (1903) Croton Dam. This Dam is the largest hand hewn built structure on earth outside of the Egyptian Pyramids.
Ok, so you have an idea of how big this dam is right? And if I am on a ridge that is actually slightly higher up then I am pretty high up the gorge no?
So I take a picture. And I decide I want to change out lenses. Hmmm... one would think an intelligent woman would step AWAY from the edge of the gorge. But, no... I do not and as I take off the lens it flips out of my hand and down the gorge. I watch it flip and roll and bounce while saying quietly to myself... No! Stop! No! Crap!!!!!
It did stop- amazing because it really had nothing to stop it. This is not a slope- that would be a kind description. It really is as close to a cliff as you can get without a sheer drop. It is so steep one MUST use hands to help get down and up... I know this because, yes, I did it.
What was I thinking? I don't know... surely not that if I fell I would more than likely die because nothing would stop my roll but the river at the bottom. Surely not that I have 4 children who need a mother. No, I was thinking Lance will kill me if I come home with one fewer lenses. I was thinking, well if I fall, I better have my coat on so I don't get hypothermia while I wait for someone to find me (seriously, I thought this!!! NOW do you get how steep this thing is?)In the same thought though, I took my cell phone OUT of my pocket and put it in the car lest I drop it and lose it. Uh- huh. Smart girl you know!
Mind you I spent my early childhood in the mountains of California and I was not afraid to climb massive boulders and trees and anything else. I have not however, done that as an adult!
This slope was far steeper than the black diamond slopes on the Zugspitze in Germany. With me still? Yeah, well you would have probably NOT have been.
It was something else and apparently after the adrenaline rush that lasted about 40 minutes to climb down and back up, I could NOT stop shaking. Finally I put some protein in me and the shaking eased... but the muscles in every part of my body are killing me today. Oh and so is my vanity. I did this in 4 inch heeled dress boots with no tread. Yup. My hands are torn up, I have a nasty thorn in one from desperately grabbing a scrawny bush as I felt my foot sliding- only to realize the whole bush was a thorn bush.
After, Jason(Tiffy's husband) over the phone said... "Isn't that the one you have two of? You probably could have gotten a replacement on eBay for like $30" All I could say is "shut up Jason, I don't want to know that now!"
The pictures do not do justice. I got to the top and thought to grab the camera out of the car (where I put it for the climb, thus I know my brain was functioning at some level prior to the escapade) and took some pics of the slope to TRY to show you what I did. I will go back today with Lance and let him see if he can do more justice to the site. You know pictures never do justice.
I am home, I am fine. I am sore... and I am realizing I am still a little spontaneous. I thought I had lost that. This is inspiring at this point in my life. I am not a boring mom... I am ...well I don't know... but I am still learning.
For all the pics I took, visit our online albums at Picasa...http://picasaweb.google.com/lancenjulie/LateFall08?authkey=G4VNioWHAM4#
If you have trouble with that we are under picasa web albums and our user name is lancenjulie.
Happy Holidays All!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
should old aquaintance be forgot?
As time went on I thought that I did not need any old connections. I thought that while I remembered so many, they must have forgotten me. I thought that even if they did remember me, they had their lives now and who needed someone from the past?
I thought I would be okay with not knowing who got married and what their beautiful children would look like. I didn't think the guys that made all us girls so giddy would make comments about how beautiful it is to have children and be dad's. I didn't know it would matter to me that I would be so proud of my friends from days gone by who have achieved great things.
I didn't think I would tear up at the thought of the joy that can be found when connecting with the past but living in today.
Grateful, I sit here and close out my day, thinking that finding our roots in our past is a good thing, a blessing. Tonight as I go to bed I am just a little more secure in my world, a little more connected to this place we call earth and a lot more happy that I have found a lost part of my past and realized it is still relevant to making today a great day and tomorrow a wonderful possibility.
I thought I would be okay with not knowing who got married and what their beautiful children would look like. I didn't think the guys that made all us girls so giddy would make comments about how beautiful it is to have children and be dad's. I didn't know it would matter to me that I would be so proud of my friends from days gone by who have achieved great things.
I didn't think I would tear up at the thought of the joy that can be found when connecting with the past but living in today.
Grateful, I sit here and close out my day, thinking that finding our roots in our past is a good thing, a blessing. Tonight as I go to bed I am just a little more secure in my world, a little more connected to this place we call earth and a lot more happy that I have found a lost part of my past and realized it is still relevant to making today a great day and tomorrow a wonderful possibility.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
When Sleep Comes Not
When sleep comes not... I rest upon my chair...fingers on the go, ready to release the pent up thoughts... to find the peace that comes when I am empty of word and thought once again.
When sleep comes not...I have seen one of them die...and I awake with knotted throat in fear of what is not real...and praying they are sleeping sweetly yet.
When sleep comes not...all that is plain to see in daylight hours...becomes a monster of its own...feelings are not exempt and I pray that I won't drown in them as I empty my heart into this technological void.
When sleep comes not...my tea bags are abused and my cup will finally be sitting as empty as I feel... and finally know that I am ready to try again.
When sleep comes not...600 count sheets mean not a thing...naked skin, soft fabric, pillows from heaven, do not bring what I want most... to simply sleep.
When sleep comes not...I have seen one of them die...and I awake with knotted throat in fear of what is not real...and praying they are sleeping sweetly yet.
When sleep comes not...all that is plain to see in daylight hours...becomes a monster of its own...feelings are not exempt and I pray that I won't drown in them as I empty my heart into this technological void.
When sleep comes not...my tea bags are abused and my cup will finally be sitting as empty as I feel... and finally know that I am ready to try again.
When sleep comes not...600 count sheets mean not a thing...naked skin, soft fabric, pillows from heaven, do not bring what I want most... to simply sleep.
people dying stinks.
No matter how hard we try to prepare ourselves for it, no matter if we try to separate ourselves from someone to avoid the pain, no matter how much warning or how little- death stinks.
Phone calls in the middle of the night pretty much only mean one thing- unless it is from someone who is a known drinker, in which case they are generally a "hey how are you doing? Oh were you sleeping?"
Those are preferred to the ones with hushed tones that apologize for waking you. The ones where your heart skips a beat if you turned on the light and can see the caller id and know it is not frivolous.
About midnight last night the call came for me. My mom on the line, quiet and calm (in shock) to say my grandma Shirk had died within the last hour, unexpected, no reason apparent, just gone. Grandpa is in desperate grief. She was his everything. He speaks of killing himself so that he can just get his misery over with. He cannot see a life without her. My step dad is going to face two funerals in a matter of months I am sure.
Then you drive your husband to the train station and keeping it together pretty well until on the way back, alone on the curvy roads in the early morning dark, Mark Shultz sings "Walking Her Home" and the tears start to fall. Might as well be trying to drive in a hurricane for the visibility. Why did I pick this morning to listen to my new WOW cd? I had no idea that song was on there. Great way to find out, no?
Then comes the telling the children. Do you do it before school and ruin their day? After and ruin their evening, leaving them without the solace of finding laughter and peace with their friends? Forgetfulness in school work?
For yourself once they are all gone and you are home alone facing a long day-how do you keep the heartburn away? How do you get rid of the stupid awkward lump in your throat that makes you feel you cannot take a deep breath?
And why of all days do you choose to wear eyeliner on this day?
Phone calls in the middle of the night pretty much only mean one thing- unless it is from someone who is a known drinker, in which case they are generally a "hey how are you doing? Oh were you sleeping?"
Those are preferred to the ones with hushed tones that apologize for waking you. The ones where your heart skips a beat if you turned on the light and can see the caller id and know it is not frivolous.
About midnight last night the call came for me. My mom on the line, quiet and calm (in shock) to say my grandma Shirk had died within the last hour, unexpected, no reason apparent, just gone. Grandpa is in desperate grief. She was his everything. He speaks of killing himself so that he can just get his misery over with. He cannot see a life without her. My step dad is going to face two funerals in a matter of months I am sure.
Then you drive your husband to the train station and keeping it together pretty well until on the way back, alone on the curvy roads in the early morning dark, Mark Shultz sings "Walking Her Home" and the tears start to fall. Might as well be trying to drive in a hurricane for the visibility. Why did I pick this morning to listen to my new WOW cd? I had no idea that song was on there. Great way to find out, no?
Then comes the telling the children. Do you do it before school and ruin their day? After and ruin their evening, leaving them without the solace of finding laughter and peace with their friends? Forgetfulness in school work?
For yourself once they are all gone and you are home alone facing a long day-how do you keep the heartburn away? How do you get rid of the stupid awkward lump in your throat that makes you feel you cannot take a deep breath?
And why of all days do you choose to wear eyeliner on this day?
Friday, August 1, 2008
what happened between Fulda and 2008
Spring of 1990
So here I am dating this awesome guy, Lance. My parents are gone to the states to Walter Reed for treatment for my mom that she cannot get in Germany. They call to say "we are being reassigned. Compassionate Reassignment." I am devastated. So 6 weeks before the end of my junior year I move to a place where my graduating class is close to 1000 people. That is over twice the size of Fulda High- which included 7th to 12th grades! Talk about shock. I get there and spend most days crying. I miss my friends, my Lance, my home. I stick out like a sore thumb. No one dresses like we did in Fulda. No one talks like we did. I do not know any of the most up to date music. I do not know any up to date tv shows or movies either. I am LOST!
I break up with Lance due to pressure around me. I miss him like crazy and he does not even fight for me. Not even a tiny request to not do this to us. This just tears me apart even more. I start to date this real jerk... Jason. He tries to make me into someone/thing that I am not. His little trophy.
I also get my first pap smear done. It comes back bad. Real Bad. I am told they don't know if I have cancer or not. I have to go to Walter Reed and get more tests. Lots more. I spend at least 2 days a month up there. The tests keep coming back inconclusive.
I make a few friends in Newport News at Denbigh High where I am now. I get a job. I try to build a new life. But I am miserable. My parents have'nt tried to get us involved in church. I miss my youth group and my faith is slipping. I am still LOST.
Eventually I graduate and choose to take a semester off of school. I go to college in January and also meet this new guy. Jason and I had broken up in June (? maybe july?) And I am shopping for some milk for my mom so she can take some pain meds and it is late. He comes up to me and asks if I know where the wine coolers are (how lame is that line? It is a grocery store!) I tell him no, i am not old enough to drink. He ends up in line behind me in the store and asks me to join him at a party a few streets away. Since this is my neighborhood I figure, ok. He has been casually talking and we have things in common. Besides, he is hot and I am bored.
For what happens with Lance and I during all of this see my other blogs on how we met and got married. I am skipping on.
Lance and I get married and he is in college. He got out of the Army to go to school and now realizes it is not for him. Not to mention that I thought I was pregnant and we had no health care or money to even get our own place. An Army recruiter comes into my work (coffee shop) and we chat. I tell him how I miss seeing that uniform. He and Lance meet one day and Lance decides it is time to go back in. At least he can take care of a family that way. The requirement is that we get to go back to Germany. They get it done. In January he left... in April I followed.
We live in a cute little apartment and meet our neighbors above us are Tracy and Don. Below us are John and Linda. Below them are Jeremy and Tamara. All of us are newlyweds and childless.. so far. Then we start getting pregnant. And the Army moves us all into Vogelweh housing in Kaiserslautern. We still spend time together. Lots. They become our family. We all had babies together. Some of us had another one quickly. Others lost another one. It was tough. We all experienced that second year of marriage together.
We all ended up moving at our 4 years. Tamara and Jeramy and us move to Colorado Springs, Fort Carson. There our friendship fell apart shortly before our move 4 years later. Linda and John divorced and so did Don and Tracy. Now only 2 of the 4 are still married. While I no longer keep in touch with Tamara, Linda does. All of us have lost touch with Tracy.
Friends of ours in Germany that we went to church with, George and Pam have also moved to Colorado. We enjoy time with them. We have the twins (we said, let's have one more and ha! God LAUGHED and gave us two!) They become Nicholas's godparents. Eventually Lance gets out again... this time to go reserves. He thinks, this time he will work for the Post Office. We move home to MI and things get bad. There are no jobs to be found. He finally gets put on as temp at he PO but then they tell him his job is going away. My parents offer to move us to FL to stay with them while he finds a job. So we move again. And again, and again and again. Yes. 4 homes in FL! He is back in school though and almost done with his AA.
He gets sent to school in South Carolina to reclass and while there 9-11 happens. Shortly after, he is activated for the war. We move to Savannah because the unit is asking for volunteers for a 2nd year and he accepts. They end up not doing this later, but I refused to be apart from him for that long so we followed him from FL to Savannah (Hunter Army Air Field). After his year is up he decides he actually misses the Army. He tries the active component of the Reserves. (AGR or Active Guard Reserve) and makes it. His first offer is New Jersey. We take it. After 8 months there he is promoted and we are told we can move. He takes that offer much to my dismay. But he can now be back in his specialty (JAG) so off we go to Wisconsin.
We have been here for 2 years now and are expecting orders soon (long story as to why). This will be our last official move as far as we know. He can retire in a little over 4 years. We love Wisconsin. It is a good place to raise a family. We are hoping for either L.A. (to be near my dad) or Columbia SC (to be near the seminary we will attend when he retires). No matter where we go though, I know God has a purpose in it. In each move I have had heartache. In each move I have seen God moving in our lives. I have seen the greater purpose. We have grown and experienced amazing things. It has been difficult but a total gift.
So here I am dating this awesome guy, Lance. My parents are gone to the states to Walter Reed for treatment for my mom that she cannot get in Germany. They call to say "we are being reassigned. Compassionate Reassignment." I am devastated. So 6 weeks before the end of my junior year I move to a place where my graduating class is close to 1000 people. That is over twice the size of Fulda High- which included 7th to 12th grades! Talk about shock. I get there and spend most days crying. I miss my friends, my Lance, my home. I stick out like a sore thumb. No one dresses like we did in Fulda. No one talks like we did. I do not know any of the most up to date music. I do not know any up to date tv shows or movies either. I am LOST!
I break up with Lance due to pressure around me. I miss him like crazy and he does not even fight for me. Not even a tiny request to not do this to us. This just tears me apart even more. I start to date this real jerk... Jason. He tries to make me into someone/thing that I am not. His little trophy.
I also get my first pap smear done. It comes back bad. Real Bad. I am told they don't know if I have cancer or not. I have to go to Walter Reed and get more tests. Lots more. I spend at least 2 days a month up there. The tests keep coming back inconclusive.
I make a few friends in Newport News at Denbigh High where I am now. I get a job. I try to build a new life. But I am miserable. My parents have'nt tried to get us involved in church. I miss my youth group and my faith is slipping. I am still LOST.
Eventually I graduate and choose to take a semester off of school. I go to college in January and also meet this new guy. Jason and I had broken up in June (? maybe july?) And I am shopping for some milk for my mom so she can take some pain meds and it is late. He comes up to me and asks if I know where the wine coolers are (how lame is that line? It is a grocery store!) I tell him no, i am not old enough to drink. He ends up in line behind me in the store and asks me to join him at a party a few streets away. Since this is my neighborhood I figure, ok. He has been casually talking and we have things in common. Besides, he is hot and I am bored.
For what happens with Lance and I during all of this see my other blogs on how we met and got married. I am skipping on.
Lance and I get married and he is in college. He got out of the Army to go to school and now realizes it is not for him. Not to mention that I thought I was pregnant and we had no health care or money to even get our own place. An Army recruiter comes into my work (coffee shop) and we chat. I tell him how I miss seeing that uniform. He and Lance meet one day and Lance decides it is time to go back in. At least he can take care of a family that way. The requirement is that we get to go back to Germany. They get it done. In January he left... in April I followed.
We live in a cute little apartment and meet our neighbors above us are Tracy and Don. Below us are John and Linda. Below them are Jeremy and Tamara. All of us are newlyweds and childless.. so far. Then we start getting pregnant. And the Army moves us all into Vogelweh housing in Kaiserslautern. We still spend time together. Lots. They become our family. We all had babies together. Some of us had another one quickly. Others lost another one. It was tough. We all experienced that second year of marriage together.
We all ended up moving at our 4 years. Tamara and Jeramy and us move to Colorado Springs, Fort Carson. There our friendship fell apart shortly before our move 4 years later. Linda and John divorced and so did Don and Tracy. Now only 2 of the 4 are still married. While I no longer keep in touch with Tamara, Linda does. All of us have lost touch with Tracy.
Friends of ours in Germany that we went to church with, George and Pam have also moved to Colorado. We enjoy time with them. We have the twins (we said, let's have one more and ha! God LAUGHED and gave us two!) They become Nicholas's godparents. Eventually Lance gets out again... this time to go reserves. He thinks, this time he will work for the Post Office. We move home to MI and things get bad. There are no jobs to be found. He finally gets put on as temp at he PO but then they tell him his job is going away. My parents offer to move us to FL to stay with them while he finds a job. So we move again. And again, and again and again. Yes. 4 homes in FL! He is back in school though and almost done with his AA.
He gets sent to school in South Carolina to reclass and while there 9-11 happens. Shortly after, he is activated for the war. We move to Savannah because the unit is asking for volunteers for a 2nd year and he accepts. They end up not doing this later, but I refused to be apart from him for that long so we followed him from FL to Savannah (Hunter Army Air Field). After his year is up he decides he actually misses the Army. He tries the active component of the Reserves. (AGR or Active Guard Reserve) and makes it. His first offer is New Jersey. We take it. After 8 months there he is promoted and we are told we can move. He takes that offer much to my dismay. But he can now be back in his specialty (JAG) so off we go to Wisconsin.
We have been here for 2 years now and are expecting orders soon (long story as to why). This will be our last official move as far as we know. He can retire in a little over 4 years. We love Wisconsin. It is a good place to raise a family. We are hoping for either L.A. (to be near my dad) or Columbia SC (to be near the seminary we will attend when he retires). No matter where we go though, I know God has a purpose in it. In each move I have had heartache. In each move I have seen God moving in our lives. I have seen the greater purpose. We have grown and experienced amazing things. It has been difficult but a total gift.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Twin escapade (one of many)
Ya know how I talked about the way the kids whine about what the other is not doing and not paying attention to their own responsibilities? I THOUGHT that was the greatest thing as a mother right now that irked me. I was SO wrong. You will not believe what the twins did yesterday. I had one of those "I am counting backwards so I don't end up in jail for beating them straight and I better start at 1 million" kind of moments.
Graham comes into the house to say" Nick got into Miss Cynthia's truck and knocked something and the truck is now in the. . ." Now mind you, I had parked the truck, put on the e brake and left the boys to unload bricks to the back of their house. My mistake was leaving the truck unlocked.
As I am running out of the house barefoot and frantic I hear my phone ringing. It was Cynthia in KENTUCKY who had been called by a neighbor "Cynthia two little blonde boys are taking your truck for a drive"
OF COURSE she knew who the 2 little blonde boys were. I had not stayed for the phone obviously. I got up there (2 houses up around the corner) and there was her truck in the middle of the street. I was so mad I could not see straight. They had taken it out of gear and also popped the e break! They had lied to me and obviously were not putting bricks away.
I am still steamed this morning. I told them get those bricks done (this time I parked the truck in the garage and locked it up tight) and I walked away. I told my oldest to go up and oversee because if I stayed there they would not be able to walk for the blistering they would get on their little rear ends. They would be hotter pink than a sun burn! nine hundred seventy six thousand four hundred and two... nine hundred seventy six thousand four hundred and one....
OOOOOO what is it that makes children want to play in cars?
These two have been drawn to cars since they were little! We used to lock the Aerostar doors but leave all the windows down in florida in the summer because we had no AC in it anymore and needed it to cool SOME. I would be changing laundry or going to the bathroom (Heaven forbid it took more than a minute- I would be a gold medalist for peeing fast) They would hoist each other up at 3 years old and we would find them just about ready to drop of heat exhaustion in the back of the car playing! Oh how they would scare me! I was at a loss. They learned how to find my keys and go get into the car to play and lately I have gone outside while they were playing and they would have every door on my car open but they were long gone. I am telling you I thought I was ok yesterday- but I hit my anger point as well about what the 1SG did and this just topped me off. When the adrenaline ran out I thought I would crawl into my bed and I was not EVER gonna get back out. "screw it all" was all I could think along with "I just don't care, someone else can do it".
Now mind you Cynthia is cracking up on the phone about the whole thing (the boys and truck) and I can barely breathe- eight hundred fifty two thousand three hundred seven. . . eight hundred fifty two thousand three hundred six. . – Today I am sitting here with a smile daring to crack on it all.
What I am reminded of is the hilarity of humanity. What must this all look like? Today I will try to laugh (very difficult lately with the emotions I roll through at any given moment) but there is always a way to look at something through eyes of laughter. I can choose to laugh or I can choose to cry.
I choose to laugh today. Will you laugh with me today my friend?
Graham comes into the house to say" Nick got into Miss Cynthia's truck and knocked something and the truck is now in the. . ." Now mind you, I had parked the truck, put on the e brake and left the boys to unload bricks to the back of their house. My mistake was leaving the truck unlocked.
As I am running out of the house barefoot and frantic I hear my phone ringing. It was Cynthia in KENTUCKY who had been called by a neighbor "Cynthia two little blonde boys are taking your truck for a drive"
OF COURSE she knew who the 2 little blonde boys were. I had not stayed for the phone obviously. I got up there (2 houses up around the corner) and there was her truck in the middle of the street. I was so mad I could not see straight. They had taken it out of gear and also popped the e break! They had lied to me and obviously were not putting bricks away.
I am still steamed this morning. I told them get those bricks done (this time I parked the truck in the garage and locked it up tight) and I walked away. I told my oldest to go up and oversee because if I stayed there they would not be able to walk for the blistering they would get on their little rear ends. They would be hotter pink than a sun burn! nine hundred seventy six thousand four hundred and two... nine hundred seventy six thousand four hundred and one....
OOOOOO what is it that makes children want to play in cars?
These two have been drawn to cars since they were little! We used to lock the Aerostar doors but leave all the windows down in florida in the summer because we had no AC in it anymore and needed it to cool SOME. I would be changing laundry or going to the bathroom (Heaven forbid it took more than a minute- I would be a gold medalist for peeing fast) They would hoist each other up at 3 years old and we would find them just about ready to drop of heat exhaustion in the back of the car playing! Oh how they would scare me! I was at a loss. They learned how to find my keys and go get into the car to play and lately I have gone outside while they were playing and they would have every door on my car open but they were long gone. I am telling you I thought I was ok yesterday- but I hit my anger point as well about what the 1SG did and this just topped me off. When the adrenaline ran out I thought I would crawl into my bed and I was not EVER gonna get back out. "screw it all" was all I could think along with "I just don't care, someone else can do it".
Now mind you Cynthia is cracking up on the phone about the whole thing (the boys and truck) and I can barely breathe- eight hundred fifty two thousand three hundred seven. . . eight hundred fifty two thousand three hundred six. . – Today I am sitting here with a smile daring to crack on it all.
What I am reminded of is the hilarity of humanity. What must this all look like? Today I will try to laugh (very difficult lately with the emotions I roll through at any given moment) but there is always a way to look at something through eyes of laughter. I can choose to laugh or I can choose to cry.
I choose to laugh today. Will you laugh with me today my friend?
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