One more post seems impossible

I am supposed to write one more blog post for my class project.  Somehow though, as I sat here taking a break and surfing my facebook community I learned a close friend lost her battle with cancer today.

My heart is broken.

I want to hit this screen and yet- it is all I have right now to connect me to her and all our old school chums as we gather virtually in our grief.  It IS my community right now. 

This is where I will find solace through shared prayers- even though they are typed.  This is where I will be able to express anger and pain- to laugh over old pictures and then shed a tear that no more will come with her in them. 

This post just seems impossible to write and yet...I cannot seem to think of one quote from our books and yet- every page seems to scream the same message to me:  do not discount the power of the gospel, no matter what the medium. 

This is exactly why we need to take the lessons from this Media in Parish Education and RUN with them- run into the wind, the sun, the rain- run far and wise, spreading the news- the gospel.   In these moments- in this grief, I have little to offer her or the community except words through a digital screen... and that- that is a gift.  10 years ago I would have sat looking at an email and cried.  Now I can go to her page, see her pictures, the posts and share, right now in community. 

This- this is not some passing fad.  It is a gift to go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. 

Dedicated to the precious memory of Shannon Riedel, mother, wife, friend and sister in Christ who lived and died into her Baptism on this day, 13 December, 2013.

A gift to me, for me, this year

 In our Luther Seminary portfolios, we are asked by professor Mary Hess to include competencies.  These fall into three categories, knowledge, attitude and skill. In my second semester, under knowledge competency 1B, which is
"Familiar with basic faith nurture and learning theories: faith development over the life cycle, multiple intelligences, constructivist learning design (eg Parker Palmer's community of truth model), developmental learning principles, cross cultural learning, etc."
I noted this: 

"At this time this is not a competency I have acquired.  Ed I was the first chance I had to really begin to understand how to apply these theories. I am not familiar with most of them and am hoping through coursework I will become more so."

As I reflect on this second Ed course, I realize that I have indeed learned a new intelligence and learning design that encompasses the cross cultural learning of the internet and media today.  It is so easy to take it for granted- I have internet and ability and knowledge to use it.  I forget that I know things that many do not- even in my own home.  'Mom, how do you use this security thing again for virus control?'  'Honey, how do I connect the printer to the network?'

How easy it is to not even realize that this ability and knowledge can leave others behind in the church community- or- it can bring them closer.  The important part is remembering I have this tool- that others out there want to use it too and that we can bring everyone together with it- even those who choose not to use it.  We can share the gospel in a whole new way (cue A Whole New World  from Disney's Aladdin).

A thing learned... a joy, a sorrow

Time moves on- a restless, ever moving, ever changing, never changing entity, one we cannot ignore or hide from.

"From that one experience, a finger touching a flame, a person learns countless things."
~ A New Culture of Learning

It has been a joy to share my blog in a new way.  I did not start this blog for a large following.  It was a way to share my stories with my friends- not the world or even my classmates.  It continued as a way for my family and curious minds to see what happens in my life as a seminarian, mom, Army wife and plain old nomad.  Now, I share it with my classmates for my Ed II class that is about media in the parish.

One would think that closing each class is a joy... and it is to a degree.  But it also brings to an end a special relationship built, sometimes with one or two, more often, with 5 or 10 others who get to know each other in a whole new way.  I am grateful for our social media, for our internet and the blessing of online learning.  I am honored to read my classmates blogs and long after this class is done, I will be keeping them on my rss, wondering how they are and in an instant I will know.

Who would have thought how amazing the internet could be at helping us build relationships with someone we never met and may never share a cup of coffee with?  Not me, but boy oh boy, am I glad.

Ps.. here is a link to an old blog post about ends and goodbyes: should old acquaintance be forgot

Quote from A New Culture of Learning, SeelyBrown & Thomas, 2011.

Trade of the internet-privacy for agency

How do we gain agency in a world that seems to take joy in making more rules and taking away more personal freedom in the name of communal freedoms?  What would our world look like right now without the internet?  What has gotten better because of the internet?  Have we lost more or gained more agency?

Take this case of racial profiling in NYC.  Using '250's, the NYPD stop random persons under 'suspicion' and frisk them, filing a report whether anything came of it or not.  They have quotas to make on these and are subject to negative action if they do not submit.

Yes, things are changing now.  But why?  Because of the agency the internet provides us, that social media provides us.  UpWorthy is one such site that includes amazing stories that make a difference, exposing love, hate, law, injustice, passion, hilarity and more.

Yes indeed, we lose some agency on the internet- we lose privacy to be involved... but we gain a world of agency at our fingertips... if we have the internet and are willing to use it for better, we can make a difference, we can have a voice and give that voice to the voiceless. 

For more on this trade off and how to manage it, read NetSmart, How to Thrive Online, Howard Rheingold, 2012.

Knowing how...

"Knowing how is more important than simply knowing that." ~Mary Hess

Indeed.  For years I knew that rearing children is hard.  Knowing how it is hard is what helps me get through it.  It is in the knowing how that I am able to find what is going wrong and try to fix it.

When we only know that, we miss out on the understanding that comes with the process in which something comes into being.   More easily, we take something for granted and even more so, we discount the value of it. 

Some critics argue it is "the advent of digital technologies that has diluted and made more fragile our religious formation." They fail to recognize that while one process of religious being is no longer as easily brought into being, another process will evolve- has in fact, already evolved.

Those who eschew public gatherings, who have disdain for the traditional within the Church now have access.  They have a way to not only know that, but to know how Christ Loves them.  They can see Christian community without the familiar trappings- they can find it in obscure places and they can connect, creating new community. 

They would not find this if we did not have this digital technology.  They would be stuck only know that there is a God who loves them, but until they know how, the gift is often lost on them in the midst of tradition that turns them away.

For more on how to integrate and consider the impact of digital revolution on religious formation and community, read Engaging Technology in Theological Education, All That We Can't Leave Behind by Mary Hess, 2005.

Exclusive holidays...why Christmas and Thanksgiving SHOULD overlap

There are a lot of holidays that really don't go together.  St Patrick's day and Halloween, for example.  There are even a few that bump up against each other that don't quite go together either, like St Patty's and Easter (some years).  Many argue that Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas don't go together either and therefore they must be exclusive in the retail arena until one is done before the next is displayed.  The problems with this are multiform.

Let's look at this from a retailers point of view:  I have the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas to make more than half of my year profit and the difference between bankruptcy and solvency.  Hmm,.... I would put the stuff out early TOO!

How about the decorators point of view?  I want to enjoy every day of each 'holiday' but if there is nothing in the store until the other holiday ends, how can I purchase my decorations, let alone put them up to enjoy them before this holiday is over?

How about the ambiance point of view?  Who the heck doesn't like the lovely light that strings of Christmas lights lend to an evening room with the fireplace lit?  Hello?  Winner!

But more than these reasons, let's look at why we celebrate these in the first place.  Halloween was to scare off the bad energies that might ruin a harvest at the most critical point of the year.  Of course it goes with Thanksgiving- which is about giving thanks for the bounty of harvest that saved the Pilgrims from starvation.  They also invited the locals to join them, not just to give thanks for help surviving their new world, but for relationship.  They gave thanks for life, for food, and for relationship.  This is where the secular argument ends and the Christian one really takes off.

Now let's look at Christmas/Advent.  Why do we celebrate?  Going back to original Christmas celebration (neither the pagan roots nor calendar day placement), Christians celebrated because Jesus, their awaited Messiah and Saviour had come.  The gift they awaited had finally arrived.  The birth of Christ is SOLELY about relationship and life.  Christ came to fix the relationship gap (more like chasm) we had with God ever since the Garden of Eden.  God missed us and wanted our close relationship back.  The only way to do that was to gift us life again (eternal life), which was achieved through Jesus subsequent crucifixion on our behalf. Just like the Pilgrims, Christians are giving thanks for life and for relationship (and if you really want to get into it for theological fun, for food too (bread and wine of the Eucharist).

Are you starting to see the correlation?  Thanksgiving sets us up to see and experience thankfulness in our lives; our daily, very human, very physically present lives.  It is the perfect foundation to be thinking of Christmas at the same time, preparing our hearts and minds for the greater spiritual thanks for the gift of Christ.  God doesn't just give us eternal life and relationship with God again, but God lavishes bounty upon us in our daily living too- in countless ways.  To think that Thanksgiving and Christmas are exclusive, do not overlap, or go together, is in part to deny the gifts and thanks of both.  We can celebrate both at the same time.  I celebrate Christmas, Easter (eternal gifts) and Thanksgiving (corporal gifts) every day of the year.

I am not necessarily justifying the retail push for 'buy, buy, buy,' but I am asking you to reconsider, can we quit complaining about one being over first before we start the other?  Why can't we celebrate both together? 

The New Introvert- or rather "Net-rovert"

"It requires more work on the part of networked individuals to make their way successfully in an always-on, quickly moving world, and a new set of norms and skills-just as the transition from rural, agrarian life to urban, industrial life required."

In his book, NetSmart, How to Thrive Online, Howard Rheingold writes a chapter on how "Social Has a Shape" and explores the ramifications of the social aspect of the internet on our social lives.  Many argue we are losing our social ability for the sake of computer screens and minimalized contact online.  But the above quote really got me thinking.  We have both extroverts and introverts in both physical social circles and online as well.  Online, they tend to be what I call net-roverts.  The ones who aren't completely against the use of the internet and social media, but they really don't want to get into it too far for a variety of reasons.  They are the ones who still have an egg for thier Skype image or an outline on facebook.  The lurkers or the newbies that don't know what to do so they have the account but really, the tool sits still in their hands.

The point is, it takes work to be online and connect.  A LOT of work.  You must keep up with the newest waves of technology and know when to let a sinking ship sink or when to jump to the next bandwagon.  You have to be willing to put yourself out there in order to use the tools and all the more so to use them well.  It doesn't take less to be connected online- it just takes the same effort in a new way. 

Text from Netsmart, How to Thrive Online by Howard Rheingold, 2012.

Collective Learning and Cohorts- A new way to Mastering Divinity

"As the name implies, it is a collection of people, skills, and talent that produces a result greater than the sum of its parts."  In their book,  A New Culture of Learning, Douglas Thomas and John Seely Brown take on the idea of learning in a 'world of constant change'.

When I read this book, I often thought of the way the cohorts of Luther Seminary work together toward their Masters of Divinity.  We are spread out around the world, only coming together online in class or facebook or in person during our January and June intensives.  Although we each have cohorts, we are also one.  We belong to learn together, to pray together and to create community together.

It is amazing to read the description of the authors; they explain collective as having more of an ebb and flow, and in and out as needed.  The cohorts are the same in many ways.  We expand and retract based on who is there, who needs what and ability to provide.  It is quite fascinating.  Although any are missed when not in attendance, there is not a focus on who is not there, rather, it is a completeness with who is, regardless of cohort.  It is also interesting to watch the cohorts 'take over' a classroom- being an overwhelming majority of the class at one time.  They do not exclude the residential's, rather, they are pulled into the group as one of us.

When it comes to learning, this creates a fluid dynamic that is stunning to observe.  The experiences are so varied, the ages, gender, lifestyle, and style of learning cover a broad spectrum and it seems we never know what will come of it. The dynamic even flows over into the online courses, creating living, breathing, exciting small groups and friendships that flow over from classes every semester.

Some might argue that this style of learning is too inconsistent, to impartial and too distanced to really work and form a future pastor fully.  I would have to say, having lived it for over 2 years now, that could not be further from the truth.  I have learned far more in a passionate and relational way than in any other courses, degree programs, or campus I have ever attended.  This is most definitely one valid way into the future for those seeking a Master of Divinity, and now, we have a ranking as one of 13 top seminaries changing the world to prove it!

Syria, Anthony Weiner and 9/11... what a combo

Even for those not from New York, we all know who Anthony Weiner is.  Who hasn't heard the news of the talented young politician who screwed himself over when he decided to be unfaithful to his wife through sex-ting...twice.

As you all know, he lost his bid for election in NY.  He was a sore loser too- flipping off the press as they followed him to his car.  Regardless of his arrogance he has a LOT to teach us.

Good support taken for granted:  Weiner has a wife who stood by him as well as obviously campaign staff and constituents, or he would not have made a bid again for office.  In fact, he actually had such a good support system that it looked like he was going to overcome his past.  But he took it for granted and...

Mistook his belief system and wife's forgiveness for permission and lower standards.  He thought for some reason, that since she was so kind and forgiving, so faithful, that he could do it all again.  Forgiveness does NOT mean permission to sin again. It also does not give us a free pass from the consequences of our actions.  It just means we are forgiven, not re-punished over and over for the same sin.

See Hilary Clinton. She is the epitome of faithful wife who forgives (from what we can see).  And while I would probably never vote for her, she is a class act when it comes to a cheating husband in office. Bill learned one thing from her: don't be too...

Arrogant.  Just because we are loved, just because we are forgiven, does not mean we are better, that we are free from rules or somehow cheated the system.  We only cheated ourselves because we were...

Too smart.  We thought we had it all figured out.  We think our way is the best, we have an ultimate right to it and our own happiness was put first.  But that is not sensible thinking, it is simply...

Too  visceral.  Quit thinking with your heart and your genitalia.  We are possessed with what makes our heart go thump thump and our groin grow warm.  We forget that our gut is where God is- deep within us, in a place that is instinctual and very rarely wrong.   We use sex and sexuality for all the wrong reasons and we wonder why others look at us like we are a train wreck.  But that is because we ...

Didn't change  our M.O..  Yup.  We refuse to change and think we can still do the same old thing and get different results.  It doesn't work folks.  We have to stop...

Assuming and observe with new eyes.  We will never be able to overcome our weaknesses until we call them what they are, hold ourselves accountable, expect to be weak again and set up a safety net, seek forgiveness and quit making it all about us.

So what does this have to do with 9/11  and Syria you ask?  We  have done the same thing  that pissed off proper Islam- we flaunt our sexuality and think we have an innate right to do so without consequences America.  And we almost did the same thing again with Syria- we almost went to war when we did not need to.  We are bound to do the same thing with a new financial collapse if we do not learn to take our punches when we make financial mistakes and tighten our belts instead of upping our limits. Let's not be Anthony Wiener- flipping off the world when we make a mistake.  Let's suck up, apologize, own up, and make it right.  

The Hopeful Side of Experience

The other day I posted about how experience and being 'connected' are two very different things on the internet.  Although I meant every word of what I said, there is another side to the story, a side that I like to call hopefulness.  The sunny side.

I live my life as a nomad.  We move every few years and I have to start all over.  A new church, a new school, new neighbors and coworkers to get to know.  A new doctor and dentist, grocer and tea house.
I leave behind friends and old acquaintances that all made a place seem like home.  I leave behind the connections that make me feel like I matter in this world and someone sees me.  Ten years ago, I would have had to call a lot or send a lot of letters (emails for some) in order to maintain the connection as I build new ones in my new place.

With the internet, new options and new ways to stay connected have arrived.  While my best friend of 20 years may not be able to come clean the kitchen after my being too sick for 4 days or pick up the kids from school because I am in an appointment, she can give me comfort over a webcam with a mutual cup of tea.  We can each make the same kind, buy the same cookie (my crack cookie is Thanks A Lot by Girl Scouts) and then share in those same scents and tastes even as we look at each other with our hair mussed and pj's on.  There is a comfort found.

There is also a connection that makes the loneliness at night far less distressing.  At 3 am, I can hardly pick up the phone to call someone to see if they are awake- but I can glance at a screen and see they are on and active- and we can chat away, waking no one else.

My children can share an art project or an A paper with grandma on the other coast through a simple text or scan and when I have forgotten a birthday, I can create a lovely personal card and send in moments.  I can even lend my latest ebook to a friend to read and share comments online with.

As a seminarian, there is even more.  I am a student online, completing my Master of Divinity at Luther Seminary almost completely through the Internet and local congregational work.  I get to know my classmates through chats and conferences, facebook and even a rousing round of word games that spans space and time.  In the book, Click2Save, the authors note, "It's about how you connect in meaningful, personal ways with people across diverse networks."

For all the lack of connection, there is a greater one being made- a fine but sturdy thread of connectivity that allows me to grow my faith, to share with others, to  build community that is bigger than my human body can ever dream of creating with its physical limitations.  It is a new way to see the Holy Spirit at work, the thread of life that connects us all, glistening in the sun, showing us, that no matter how alone I may feel in my worst moments, I am not.  You are there- my community of faith, of love, of friendship.  And through that, my new community will be built too-  the one that does drop off dinner after surgery or take you Black Friday Shopping.  One does not preclude the other, instead, if we let them, they balance and compliment each other.

That is the good side of experience through connectivity.  It is the hope that shines through- that proves that no matter how lonely and disconnected the Internet may seem, it is still community with great value, just in a new currency.

Learn more about Click2Save by Elizabeth Drescher and Keith Anderson, 2012. 

Does connection mean experience?

Well I am "connected", does that count?
I tweet, I am on facebook, LinkedIn, MySpace, classmates, Skype, and cafe-mom to name a few
I have learned by blackboard on tiger-tracks, on myluthernet and more with classmates in Turkey, Norway, Australia and China.
I blog on blogger,  yelp, and google+.
I share books and pics and songs and more through goodreads, instagram and YouTube
I read on my kindle and ipad, sharing notes with other readers I have never met.
I learn about makeup and crafts and see what my daughter is drawing lately through pinterest and deviantart.
I resource my sermons through a broad number of sites for history, scripture, sermon style, and public speaking.
I email and text, I even teach using google+ and YouTube.

But.... am I experienced? I don't know.  I know how to use analytics and I blog more than randomly. I work Veteran suicide prevention with a team that is all over the world simultaneously.  But  am I making a connection that is real?

My favorite movie is 10 Things I Hate About You- I loved it before most people know who Heath Ledger was... and my favorite line is this:

Tell me something true, tell me something real, something no one else knows. 

On my worst days, I curl into my husbands arms and softly whisper these words.  He knows that means it has been a day I only want to cry over.  That I have seen through my eyes, through a screen through my phone and my monitor that the world is a sad, broken, hurting, and devastated place.  It is bereft of hope and in those moments, I sure as heck feel connected.

But then someone I love dies.  And there is no connection.  I can post my pain, I can blog up a storm- but the community I have built- it can reach into my heart, but it does not pat my shoulder, it does not make me a cup of hot tea and tell me to curl up on the couch for a nap and good cry.  It does not deliver dinner for a break, it does not pick up sick kids from school.  And I wonder- is anybody out there.

And considering all this, that I know what it is to be connected and also alone in this great big cyber world, then yes. I would say, I am experienced too.


Learn more about the idea of "understanding how deeply relational and embodied learning is" and why this matters to a seminarian by reading Engaging Technology in Theological Education by Mary Hess, 2005.

Do I know something new?

A couple years ago, I read this competency for my Ed I class as a new seminary student:

Familiar with basic faith nurture and learning theories: faith development over the life cycle, multiple intelligences, constructivist learning design (eg Parker Palmer's community of truth model), developmental learning principles, cross cultural learning, etc.

I knew right away that I did not really have this at all as a competency and now, as I look back I have a little bit but the fact is, I really need to evaluate this and nurture it.   It is my hope that by the end of this class, I will have a better understanding of this knowledge and a better idea of how to use it for daily ministry.

Using media in the parish is an excellent way to bring this competency to bear on a growing demographic and need in our North American culture. How do we adjust to teaching/preaching/leading with the idea of a new learning design at hand?  Let's see what happens!

If you are curious- here is my e-portfolio I have been working on.  Sadly, I have a lot more you cannot see that is not published to it yet and is hidden while I continue to tweak it.

Being Less Perfect, More Human, Hope.... and M.E.

Don't get me wrong.  There are days, where  no one can do right, nothing goes right and the world is against me.  Those days remind me of a song my mom used to sing to me when I was in those moods.  Of course, I just looked up the lyrics and none of them quite match, but it is close.  Here is our version:

No body  loves me.  Every body hates me.  Gonna eat worms until I die.  Big ones, fat ones, squishy, squirmy, skinny ones.  Gonna eats worms until I die.

Now that is pessimism at its squirmy, squishy best.  For the most part though, I am an optimist.  That doesn't mean crappy stuff doesn't happen in my life.  It does, often with fireworks too.  But I choose the positive outlook because if I get caught up in the negative, I will just not get out of bed anymore.

This also means I have to let go of perfection.  The other day someone said I needed to learn to be let down more.  I laughed.  He then mentioned he thought I must not be let down much based on how I act when I am.  I have to say, that made me want to laugh harder. It isn't because I am not let down- a LOT.  I think it is because I still hope.  No matter how many times I am let down, I still hope.

I am not blind to the ugliness and let downs in life.  They happen.  I cry.  Then I sigh really deeply and move on.  That particular hope is gone.  But I have many, many more down in this Mary Poppins magic bag of mine.  I am not caught on the perfection, but I sure can hope for it.  If I don't aim for perfection I will never get it, will I?  I think we will often fall a little short of aim, so I aim higher.

That does not mean I expect perfection out of others, but I allow and hope for the very best of them- and myself.  Madeleine L'Engle asked in my study today for us to list the times we have failed miserably.  Honestly, I sat there stymied.  That doesn't mean I haven't failed.  I have.  Over and over.  But it does mean that I am not caught up in the failure, I don't dwell on it or, at least, not for long.  I let it die its wormy death and go on.

Aiming for perfection and expecting it are not necessarily tied to being perfect or not accepting less than perfection.  Just as well, it can be closely tied to imperfection, forgiveness and  hope.  If we but hope, we can get up, dust off and move on.

I choose to hope.  It makes life a little sunnier and adds more possibility than you can ever imagine.

What does real love look like? Seminary, Cohorts and M.E.

What does love with forbearance and forgiveness look like?  What does love lived with passion and open eyes look like?  Can the two be one?

My cohort may never forgive me for this one, but I pray they 'get' it... In fact, I am pretty sure they will.

In my cohort of over 20 people we have all kinds.  We come from all over the country.  Not everyone would choose to spend time as 'best-ies' outside of school, but we have found a common connection beyond our call.  It is called love.

We are not perfect.  We drive each other nuts even as we drive each other on in joy. Here is a short list of some of our better or worse attributes (you decide if they are good or bad, it is all perspective):

Some of us are:
Sociable         Talkative             Timid                Private              Boisterous              Methodical
Studious         Loud                   Meek               Confident          Artistic                   Capable
Skilled            Experienced        Expressive        Modest             Flashy                    Articulate
Simple            Detailed              Humble             Joyous              Self Conscious       Self starters
Driven            Affectionate        Bubbly              Frustrated         Busy                       Calm

You see, we are all kinds of things.  Sometimes annoyingly so, even to each other.  But in those moments that would drive anyone else mad, we are blessed with this amazing grace that lets us see past the annoying part and LOVE the person in front of us.  They are part of us, they are us.  We know no matter how good they may be at something we are not good at, that they are a little doubtful of a different, weaker, skill of attribute of their own.  We know we all bring something to the table.  More than anything, I have seen tremendous patience.  It allows us to breathe, to listen and to HEAR and see each other and what is really happening around us, not just what is colored by our immediate reaction.

This group of people is full of imperfection and disagreement.  One of my closest friends in this group goes NUTS every time she finds out I have not started a 10 page paper that is due in 5 hours- because she is a planner and does her work methodically and carefully.  I on the other hand vomit words on paper and try to sort it out.  It works for me. Hers works for her.  The best part?  We both get A's but if we tried it the other way we would fail miserably.  The lesson here is that we could really drive each other to distraction with our differences, but instead, we love each other all the more.  We (or at least I do) find great comfort in the difference that we see with eyes wide open, full of passion and yet, in forbearance and forgiveness.  (She really needs to forgive me for the white hairs I am giving her when she finds out about these papers... I will buy her hair dye as a token apology next time I see her.)

We are NOT this way because we are future pastors... but we are this way because the Holy Spirit allows us to LOVE with eyes wide open, with deep and convicting passion, with forbearance, and most importantly, with forgiveness.  I could not ask for more.  Now I just wish I could bottle that for the world.

What Happens After? Sermon for August 25, 2013

 Luke 13: 10-17

Cinderella got her Prince Charming. So did Snow White, Belle, Sleeping Beauty and Juliette.  

The problem is that is always where the story ends.  I much prefer the  Shrek storyline.  (hands on who has seen this one… if your hand is not up, I will see you at blockbuster after coffee hour).  The story line of Shrek II specifically dances with the question about what happens after happily ever after.  It addresses life after with the imperfection of diapers and bills and the craziness that makes us sit back and wonder "who did I marry?"

 

Let me read again what happens here that leaves us asking this question:

Luke 13

The woman was healed, stood up and praised God. But then what? 

As I pondered this passage this week, I kept thinking my love of fairy tales must be going overboard.  I went through site after site looking for someone else who asked the same thing- so to be honest, I am on my own here unless you are with me.  So, do you wonder too?  What happened after they all went home that Sabbath?  It is the ultimate season cliffhanger,  JC style.  

I also notice everyone in the story got so caught up in the Synagogue Ruler’s temper tantrum that we forgot about the woman.  She got healed, praised God, and that was it.  Never heard from again. Talk about a one hit wonder, and the shortest 15 minutes of fame ever. 

Now I am sure it actually raised a bit of ruckus for a while with those who knew her.  She probably was ecstatic at first.  I mean,  think about it, she could stand up straight after 18 years.  That is no small thing if you have ever lived with back pain.  
 

Lets take a moment though and look at some other things we should know about this text.  If we go back to the Greek word, ασθενειας  used here, it is best translated as "infirmity or un-firm" in our language.  But that doesn’t tell us what kind of infirmity.  In fact, it might actually read better if we called it "the results of depression."  The type of infirmity historically referenced here in the original language is the kind caused by mental distress and depression.  It is the kind you see when you can tell through body language that someone is dejected, lonely, sad, depressed and hopeless; drooped shoulders, downcast eyes, a person literally as curled into themselves as they can get and still be upright.  

What amazes me, and it shouldn’t, is that Jesus saw her.  The synagogue was  bound by strong social rules.  Men and important figures were always up front.  Women and the unimportant, in the rear.  Bent and infirm, this woman was more than likely the lowest of the low on the social scale.  So this woman was in the rear of the room and he noticed her, calling her forward.  

In that moment she must have felt an odd mixture of fear and joy.  

               Jesus noticed HER!  Oh no! Jesus NOTICED her!

 I don’t even think she really understood what was happening until he touched her, when she stood up, and she immediately praised God. 

And then in her moment of glory and joy,  Mr. Buzzkill pipes up and says, “Hey, you have 6 other days to get healed lady, do that some other time.” Immediately the attention is turned from her.  The Synagogue leader was exerting his right and power over the way things went in the synagogue on the Sabbath.  I wonder if he was jealous?  Or was he just upset over the planned day not going as he expected?  I think a little of both.  But don’t you wonder, what happened afterward for this man too?  He not only exerted his power, but then got shot down big time in front of all those folks- and they agreed with Jesus' actions and words.  Talk about an ego buster. So what happened to him?  How did the rest of his day go?  
 

And how did the rest of her life go? 

 Suddenly she is able to do an awful lot of things she could not do before.  If we read this right, not only is she healed physically, but  also of the infirmity, the depression, that made her this way.  So she has a whole new attitude folks.  

Now let me ask you… the last time in your life you felt a huge personal change and you got home or went to school or work the next day- how did people take it?  What about a few days later?  Did you get to a point they kind of looked at you and said, “ok, that was all well and good, but we need to get back to normal now.”  What about when you go back home or to a reunion?  You may have had a HUGE change in your appearance, life or frame of mind, but you are treated the same as before.  Does that help you succeed at keeping your new perspective?  Does it help you stay on track?   Me Either. 

Cynthia was born with scoliosis.  By her early teens, her spine was curled like a pig tail and a rod was  inserted into her spine that she still has to this day.  Although she was deeply loved by her family, she knew she was different and even though doctors were working on keeping it minimized, it was still obvious that she had something different going on physically.  And we all know how kids are to each other.  

But Cynthia, she is tough.  And she fought back the only way she knew how.  By being mean.  I mean, really, really, mean.  She has told me how she was nasty, vicious, cruel and hurtful- all on purpose.  Because if she struck out first, others would still be licking their wounds as she walked away relatively unscathed.   

She was raised in a Christian home by two of the kindest, sweetest, most nurturing people I know.  But she ran from God.  And man oh man did she run.  She did her best to destroy her spirit to match her own image of her body.  I won’t go into details, but let’s just say, if you can imagine a way to offend God and other humans, she did it or she tried to. Because she was hurting inside.  She was infirm.   She was bound and she was broken.

Then one day she realized it was time to get off the pity pot and get right with God.  What she was doing wasn’t working and she knew deep down inside that she had Jesus and a chance to start over. 

 Today she is one of my dearest friends,  fiercest of my supporters, and most brutally honest with me as a sister in Christ.  Her life is on the right track and she seeks to honor God in every word and step. She lives the gift of a healed woman. She knows Jesus has healed her.  She may still be physically ‘broken’ to the world, but she is spiritually healed.  Unfortunately, her soul still suffers.  

BUT, even though she was healed, she left a path of destructive consequences that are still piercing her life.  Her good and healed life.  She didn’t get a ‘happily ever after’  While she still cringes at her own x-rays and broken body,  she did get healed of her infirmity- the one inside that was destroying her far worse than anything physical ever could.  And the best news is that every time those barbs of consequences bite into her, she drops them back at the feet of Jesus and the Cross.  She is healed regularly, sometimes daily, or even minute by minute.  But over and over again, she is healed.  

When Jesus told the bent woman to stand up, that she was healed, he knew there would be more.  She would go home and face the changes, good and  bad that came with no longer being  infirm.  She would have to train others to look at her differently, but to still see her as the same woman in many ways.  She would have to learn how to be a more productive person and to fit into the fabric of her social world in a whole new way.  But when she would stumble, she was not left to her own devices.  She had Jesus, and she had his gift of life, of healing; over and over and over.  

So what does this mean to us?  Now I am not saying we get a free pass to intentionally act stupid and still be right with God.  But it  does mean, when we  leave church today and  backslide by calling someone a choice name for cutting us off in traffic, or you don’t pick up that Bible to read it tomorrow morning, like you keep promising you will do every Sunday, or you forget to pray over your meal at lunch later in the week, it is okay.  Those are the small things... when you lie to a friend, when you steal on your taxes, when you are sexually immoral... it is not right, but it will be okay, because if you are already saved, you are unbound and already in possession of healing and that healing is not a one time deal.  It has a lifetime warranty. Because of the cross You can keep using that promise over and over. 

Invisible Sacrifices and M.E.

In her books, Madeleine L'Engle often speaks of that which we cannot see with the naked eye.  Things that are amazing to behold and stunning in their purpose and presence.  We take them for granted and forget how they impact our lives.

When speaking of faith, someone once said that they do not understand or 'see' gravity, but they sure know it exists when they fall and hit the ground.  I think that in relationships, we do not take sacrifice seriously because we don't see it.  We are doubting Thomas in our daily lives with our mates, children, parents, and even neighbors.

In sociology courses, students learn about the ideas of me-centered society and other-centered society.  One places the emphasis on the individual, the other on the individuals constant and relevant part of the greater whole.   For those who are not sure, the United States and most western culture is me-centered.

I hear people leave a job because they deserve better (really? Because there are a lot of people out there who do not even have a job, let alone one that meets their desire to be treated well).  I hear of marriages ending because "I deserve to be happy, don't I?" or "I deserve a better mate."  Really?  Don't they deserve a mate who will stand by them no matter what?  Funny how that works, I want that for me, I expect MY mate to stay by me as long as I want them and need them, but if they are not fulfilling my needs I "get" to be selfish?  We don't see in that moment that we are the less than ideal mate, not them. 

In a story I read this week,  a woman said to a man, "I deserve more than just one step, I deserve someone who will meet me half way."  I get the idea here, she had been in abusive relationships up to that point.  But the fact is, relationships are never 50-50.  They are always about one person giving more than the other at any given time.  When my hubby is rubbing my feet, there is no 50-50 about it- it is 100-0.  He is giving and I am simply laying there like a fatted calf... him 100, me ZERO.  When I am making dinner and he is chilling out by skimming the pool (something he will fight you over to get to do) it is also not 50-50.  It is more like 75-25.  He is doing something that needs to be done, but not really, that is why we have a pool guy.  I am doing something that MUST be done or we will lose our generous proportions.  See?  not 50-50.

As Matthew points out, "whoever does not take up the cross and follow me is not worthy of me."  I am going to get really real here folks.  Be ready to not like this... so here goes:

If you think that you are going to grow as a Christian and become more Christ-like without giving more than a little- or less than 100%, then you are wrong.  This is not about salvation, this is about those of us who say we are Christian's and then don't live it.  You are NOT bearing fruit.  You are NOT growing.   You are sitting by the side of the road whining about the splinters of the cross and that they are going to get infected.  Get up.  Shut up.  Pick UP the cross and walk.  It is not easy. It is not fun.  It is not all happy, skippy, joy, joy.  It is about sacrifice.  It is about honoring the relationship. And when you think you are the only one sacrificing in it- just remember, you didn't get scourged or die a horrific death on a cross for something you did not do.  His sacrifice is invisible today- but that does not mean it was not 100% or does not exist. 

Now, as they say in the Army... kwitcher bitchin, pull up yur big girl panties, suck it up and DRIVE on.  I believe in you- you are not alone and you are worth the work. Go give.  

How being full of holes can actually be more whole... and M.E.

We tend to think that something with holes is incomplete, less than perfect or damaged, right?  I mean, the underwear with holes get tossed, as do the socks.  If my pool has a hole, I have to patch it or it is useless.  If there is a hole in my heart, I am broken.  Or not.

Being full of holes can actually be a good thing too.  I have a tomato plant in a container.  It gets watered well by the sprinklers and I noticed that it was gaining and holding water.  It turned out I forgot to punch the holes out in the bottom.  The roots were starting to rot away because they were stuck in their own juices.  I also have a pasta strainer that doesn't have very good holes on the bottom, so it doesn't drain away the pasta liquid without a lot of help.  If it doesn't drain right, the pasta gets all sticky and goopy and useless.  And of course, my neighbor would argue the holes in his t-shirt are perfect air conditioning.  There is a purpose behind being full of holes.

I once heard a story of a clay pot that was broken.  It was tossed to the side, useless as it no longer held water.  Until a windy day came.  And the light kept going out because of the wind.  They needed a wind 'break' that would not cover and extinguish the flame, while still letting the light out and air in.  The broken pot suddenly had purpose- very important purpose.  Its holes let the light out and the air in.

Much like my tomato pot, if I am not hole-y enough, I am sitting in my own juices getting all stinky and root rotted.  There is no room for fresh water to flow in and through.  There is no way to allow my insides to breathe.  I fester.  The holes are helpful.

Sometimes I hear people talk about the day they will be better Christians.  But first they have to read the Bible more or start going to church they say.  The truth is, that would be depending on us.  There would be no room for the Spirit and gift of salvation to move through us and in us.  We would be doing it alone and if that is the case, we will only get root rot.

We need to open up to our holes.  God still has purpose for us with those holes.  That is what they talk about when they say salvation by faith, not works.  We cannot open our own holes, life does that, sin does that.  But we can embrace the holes first, and let God move through them, like fresh water, bringing nutrients and flushing away the nasty stuff.  That tomato plant isn't doing anything different but the fruit of it is affected by allowing the holes to do their job too.  Then it can produce fruit as a by product.  Our salvation is the same.  It is not in our control, but when it is gifted to us, when we need it because we are full of holes, it becomes this amazing gift that frees us to do what we are supposed to do.  Just be us, and grow fruit by being us.

Don't think you have to get to church first, or pray more, or read the Bible more.  Not that those aren't important, they are.  But they are not what gets you right with God.  God is.  You just have to sit back and be hole-y.  In that, you will be made whole and holy.

Sometimes They Say Things That Hurt and M.E.

Today Madelleine L'Engle (M.E.) writes about being new and yet staying the same.  She loves Bach and finds a newness in his music even when she thinks she knows it already.  There is something to be said for this concept in relationships too.  When we think we know someone we can fall into traps of stale murkiness.  In fact, when we think we know our own life the same can happen.  We think we know who we are or what we are called to do and that is that.  But, if there is one thing I have learned in seminary, it is that discernment is a forever kind of thing.

It goes to show then, that we need to keep our minds and hearts open.  Even more, we need to keep people in our lives who keep us on our toes.  A life full of comfy cozy people is not the best for making us get up and get busy living the way we need to be.  We need people who challenge us, call us on our crap and love us enough (or sometimes dislike us enough) to be brutally honest with us and say things that hurt.

The other day I vented some frustration and pain to a collared friend.  Suddenly I said, "So there it is.  I am done now.  What do you think?"  In all his wisdom and truth he said, "I don't think you are.  What else?"  At which point I burst into tears.  I had, of course, known I was close to crying (which I hate to do) and tried to avoid it by ending my vent and turning it around to him and his thoughts.  He knew enough to call me on it and force me to try.  The funny thing is, we are new friends.  Kind of a big-brother mentoring thing.  We walk and talk through the struggles aligned with military chaplaincy and seminary.  But he already gets it, his role.  The one of brutal and up front honesty.

I have been blessed with a few of those in my life.  One is long gone now.  Lost to suicide.  Her gentle nature was not lost in the force of nature that I tend to be.  Instead, it was an opposites attract kind of thing.  Still, her words of truth and love live on.  If anything, the gentleness is all the more powerful than every because she is gone.  I never thought I would say this, but she is still teaching me, even by her own death... and it hurts.

I have a couple of others still.  They are in my life to varying degrees.  One, if I need her, and occasionally she pops up with a word of wisdom on fb too.  Our shared birthdays gave us a day once to get to know each other far better and yet, I really didn't need to know her better.  She was already being steel sharpening steel.  What I was seeing on the outside was what I saw more of.  She was just her, being her.  No apologies necessary. What a powerful lesson all on its own, but man did it hurt to look in the mirror some days.

My sun worshiping one is not in my life as much as I like, but she is doing some good things for her soul and that makes it okay with me.  It isn't about my needing her or her needing me.  Instead we teach each other constantly kind of like a sparring match.  I love it.  It invigorates me and some days makes me cry when I realize how little I really know. Because of that I would not trade her for the world.

Then there is this one who is almost daily in my life and we go through cozy days.  Then suddenly, like a freak summer thunderstorm, her words of wisdom and strength pile in and force my attention.  I love thunderstorms.  They are a little scary when you really think about them. They are all the same yet very individual.  They are full of surprises and energy and power beyond our imagination.  Beyond beautiful, they are awesomely cool.

But each of these lovely people say and do things that hurt.  Not to be mean. Not to vent their own needs.  But because that is what they are supposed to do.  Be real. Be honest. Be loving.  It is in those moments that I thought I knew my own life that they surprise me by being the most fantastic mirror and showing me more of who I am than I could find alone.

I think when we wonder where God is in our lives, we need to stop, be quiet, and listen to the voices already around us.  They may very well be God right in our living room turning fashion magazines and drinking tea, or on skype with coffee talking about new eye makeup, or baking up a storm for the unit bake sale and corralling kiddos.   They may seem to be the most mundane, ordinary, unsurprising part of our lives. Until they aren't.  But don't be angry when they say things that hurt.  Instead, love them and honor them enough to hear their words and ponder them... you might be pondering the words of God in your heart.  

Laundry and The Cross with M.E.

For full disclosure, I should start with telling you I love doing laundry.  No wait, that should read more like this: I  LOVE doing laundry... as long as it has to be hung on a line.  For me there is something very peace-creating about the silent work of taking a heavy wet piece of fabric, shaking out the wrinkles and hanging it neatly on the line.  Even better is coming back later to take it down, fresh, crisp, clean, and wrinkle free.

M.E. feels much the same about her life laundry- sins of omission and commission- and hanging them on the cross.  She writes of a Russian priest who would share that image with those he counseled and she found it very helpful.  I would have to say, I do too.

That basket of wet clothes is heavy.  So are the weights of sin and humanity in my life some days.  Or rather, some days I notice the weight more than others.  Lately that weight has been heavy.  It has been a hard year.  Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining.  Life hands us patches of heavy laundry and I am grateful I have them but they really are a lot of work and make my body and mind scream out some days.

The beauty is, we can drag that heavy laundry to the lines of the Cross and hang them there, all willy-nilly and rumpled and unshook and even kind of dump them there unceremoniously.  Very unlike the image in my mind of the way I hang laundry.

But the thing is, the cross was a very unceremonious event.  It was ugly, lumpy, rumpled, and willy-nilly to all who looked on.  But to Christ and God in heaven, it was enough.  The simple act of dumping my laundry at the foot of the cross allows me to turn around and in time, find clean and fresh laundry again.  The cross did all the work.  Kind of like a dryer.  Wow.  Did you ever think Jesus would be compared to a dryer?

The point is, it wasn't my work.  It wasn't my will and it wasn't my sacrifice.  But is was my dirt, my pain, my groaning life that was taken up on that cross and the Son (sun) dried and bleached away the ugliness.  I get the benefit of the clean fresh life and didn't have to do the work (or if you are a control freak that could be worded: I didn't get to do the work).

As a future pastor, I am inundated with reminders of caring for self right now.  As a mom, I am reminded regularly by those who know and care that a mom MUST take care of herself in order to care for her young.  I get that.  Some days we cannot get away and we must find the small things that add up to personal care.  For me it is laundry.  The simple, silent, act of hanging wet heavy cloth on a line to return and find it fresh and clean, wrapping my grateful arms about it as I  fold it in the warmth of the Son. 

Imperfection and M.E.... sharing the TMI at church

I have attended many churches in my life.  The moving has created an opportunity to see and experience more fully how people do and see 'religion' differently.  One aspect never changes though.  Perfection.  Or rather, expectation of perfection.

Whether you attend a service that is dressed to the nines or wear jeans and t-shirts to church, there is still an expectation.  We don't want to see imperfection.  We don't really want to know what is happening in our neighbors home- that might get messy and we would have to give up our precious time to help or support.

We don't want to know the pastor is lonely or struggling with a bully in the congregation (yes, there is always one and pastors won't tell you who it is, but trust me, they are there and they are mean because they can get away with it because pastors won't be mean back).

We sure do not want errors in the bulletin or errant slides or heaven forbid, a bad sound system or musical gift.

We want perfection.

As I read M.E.'s thoughts for today, she speaks of false expectations and at first I was caught up in the friendship side she mentions.  But after some time in silence and meditation I read the passage again and the words "we have false expectations of our holy days, of our churches" jumped off the page at me. Immediately I knew I was guilty of that.  I want my church holidays to deliver some meaningful, emotionally laden and personally life altering experience.  That is not what the church is for.

The church is also not a place for us to put on a face of perfection.  The fact is, you go to church with people who suffer.  They fight inner demons of alcohol, drugs, cruel fists, sexual yearnings and more.  They are not perfect and neither is your pastor.  We are just human.  All of us.

A few places we have been my first complaint to Lance was that I felt like I wasn't being 'let in'.  Really.  I was welcome to help at church and worship there but the personal lives were bricked off like Ft Knox.  I wanted relationship. I wanted personal.  I wanted real.

 How can I pray for you when you won't tell me?  But why on earth would you tell me if I am going to judge or blab about town? I get it. No wonder we build those walls thicker at church than at home.  We are afraid of the judgement.  I know that feeling very well.  I am blessed with a daughter who knows no sense of secrecy when it comes to 'life'.  Her greatest desire upon being hospitalized for depression was for us to tell people where she was and why.  She figured they might be able to find their own inner demons and fight them if she shared hers.

 The hardest part was being so transparent to others at church and her school.  Let me tell you, offering up in verbal prayer to the whole congregation that your daughter is hospitalized for suicidal thoughts is not easy.  It had me quaking in my boots.  I remember thinking, they really will think this is TMI (too much information) but my heart yelled at me, "this is not about them, this is about Sandy and what she wants and needs to heal!"

So I did it.  I prayed for her safety and health and spirit out loud.  I shared with her friends and then, I left service crying several times over the weeks she was not with us. What I found though was not judgement. (*Caveat, there was fear deeply wrapped about the 's' word- and that is another blog for another day- shame and suicide).  Instead I found arms of solace and even more shockingly, as I shared, more and more people came to me crying themselves for the pain they had never shared with another soul or outside their little families.  They worried for grown children, for teens at home.  They mourned their own years of despair spent alone and afraid.  Some of these wounds were dozens of years old!  One woman had watched her little brother go through this when she was a teen, now she is in her late 40's.  Not one word to anyone else in all these years.

As I lowered the mask of perfection, what I saw, felt, heard and experienced was a freedom.  For me, yes.  But for those around me too.  When I took that first step (coerced by mothering instinct alone) I gave them permission to open up too. This allowed my daughter's and my cry for help to be their cry for help in those moments.  Together we grieved and found solace. That would not have happened if I had maintained "perfect" standards.

Don't get me wrong, church is not the place for broad, personal, verbal confession, but it is a place we should find imperfection and we must follow that up with the gifts of grace, mercy and absolute forgiveness. Let's let the message really work.... but first, we have to admit we are imperfect.  

M.E. and Remembering what I Forgot and The Impossible

Today (day 2) M.E. writes, "One of the great sorrows which came to human beings when Adam and Eve left the Garden was the loss of memory, memory of all that God's children are meant to be."

In the following questions we are asked to ponder the impossible we have to do in life and when God enabled us as well as how we know our will is one with God's as we ask in the Lord's Prayer.  For a moment I was stymied.  I don't recall doing anything I thought was impossible.  Does that mean I don't accept challenges from God?  Am I that chicken and don't hear God?  Then I realized. Hello?  I am in seminary.  A place I never thought I would be.  Then I realized, it is time to share some of how I ended up here.

You see, for many years I was interested in pursuing politics as a profession.  When I was looking to join the Air Force, I wanted to go in to be a political spin person, like Olivia Pope in ABC's Scandal.  I wanted to be the one who helped turn what didn't look so good or was dangerous for the American public to know into something innocuous and insignificant.  For years! In Savannah, I even had a wealthy gentleman from church tell me he would fund my first run for the Chatham County School Board (talk about a political good old boy system!).  That would have been my first 'in'.  But we moved.

In New Jersey I watched my Great Aunt Ruth die of cancer and in those drives to visit with her I had a lot of time to think and pray.  I also had a pastor, Dave, who was convinced I was supposed to be in seminary when I was thinking it was my husband who was supposed to go.  By the time I watched those shovels pour dirt onto Aunt Ruth's casket, I knew where God was calling me and it was not Politics.  A little sad, I gave up that dream and began discerning a call to ministry.

When Lance asked me recently if this made me happy to be in seminary and if being a pastor would make me happy I had to answer yes and no.  It made me sad at first and that was the no.  But I told him I could be very content being a pastor and that was even better.  He replied he did not want me content but I explained to him that this was a far better happiness.  See, deep down inside, what I want more than I wanted a career in politics was to follow God's will for my life.  In giving up politics and following a call to ministry, I am not doing something I do not want to do.  I do want to do it.  Better yet, is the knowledge that God wants me to do it and that brings a peace and joy so deep down in my soul I cannot express it thoroughly enough.  So more than politics, I want to be a Pastor, because God has called me to that and is equipping me for that life.  In a way, this is my 'impossible' scenario.  I know I would be a rotten pastor on my own.  But God is giving me all the gifts and skills I need to do God's will.  In that then, I am pursuing my dream and achieving the impossible WITH God.

Oddly enough, a few years ago I helped get the walk on Washington and annual Press Conference on the Capital lawn off the ground.  Talk about political.  I had to call all the secretaries of all the US Representatives and Congress to see if I could send an invite to them to speak at this instead of the 9/11 10th anniversary event the next day in NYC.  If you think anything is impossible, ask for a representatives personal schedulers email!  Easier to get the rep's email but not as effective.  I managed the over 200 calls over the weekend for those who would speak to me.  By the time all was said and done though, I was wiped out and ready to cry.  By the time I opened our press conference on the lawn I was so done with politics that I think I still have post traumatic stress over it.  In those moments of clarity, I realized, God had blessed me with that side job as I was entering into seminary that coming fall .  It let me see that the dream I had for myself was not at all what I thought and it reassured me that my will now is in line with God's will.  Talk about doing the impossible again... but only WITH  God, not on my own.

I may not recall too many impossibles in my life, but I think that is because I have learned to forget that I am alone.  God is with me, walking beside me, carrying me when I am weak or unable and that, that is what I am remembering that I forgot in the Garden.  

Madeleine L'Engle and Pastoral & Family Care

I am engaging a 40 day journey with my favorite author of all time, Madeleine L'Engle.  You may know her from her "Wrinkle In Time" books.  As I journey through this study, I thought I might share some thoughts that pop up.  You will find me referring to her as "M.E.".  Here goes~

I read a new definition for the word agape today.  It spoke of a love that does not seek control, thanks or enjoyment- just loves.  M.E. said it taught her "not only about forgiveness but about how to hope to give guidance without manipulation."

This kind of love never excludes.  She mentions the weak or old or enemy, but it went so much deeper for me.  It was about control.  It is easier for me to relinquish controlling those I do not like or spend time with by choice.  It is far more difficult to imagine not controlling those dear to me.

I am a control freak by nature.  I would make a horrible drug addict because I cannot stand the feeling that I have no control when I am on pain meds.  I can only imagine it is like that a million times over to be a drug user or addict.  Did you ever think you might find a situation where someone using drugs might be preferable?  Well, there it is.

My need for control steps over into every area of my life.  I want my kids to have perfect hair and skin or at least not to embarrass me in public... or what I imagine others might think about them and then me.  How very selfish.  How unloving.  I want my husband to act and be a gentleman all the time, the perfect suitor.   How very selfish and unloving.  I want others to like me, to find me enchanting and funny, smart and witty, passionate and inspiring.  How very un-agape of me.  In those moments, it is about me.  It is not as M.E. described at all.  It is a love that seeks control, thanks or enjoyment at every turn and is exactly the opposite of the love that Christ seeks in us.

I cannot control those around me and if I were really honest deep down inside, I don't want to because then I would know the results are false positives.  I don't want to control my God either, then I know that it is about me and the promise of forgiveness and salvation then rely on my works, my thoughts, my needs as opposed to the work of the Spirit and Christ on the cross.

I would lose so much in that control.  I would lose a promise that I glimpse every so often.  One that does not ignore my ineptitude or vile selfishness.  Instead it is a promise that lives on in spite of these.  That gives in spite of these.  It forgives my controlling need and leaves a place for me that does not need me to be any of those things I want others to think about me.

As I ponder the lessons of my Pastoral Care class from June, I cannot help but apply them to this concept.  As I seek to support, guide or honor those around me, I cannot in any way expect control. In fact, I will more than likely find myself regularly in the deep end with no sense of control whatsoever.  It is there, in that murky cold and scary water that I will find myself the most accurate.  How I respond then, how I give up the right to control and allow God to move and protect and save will be the life or death of me as a shepherd.

Right now though, it starts at home.  With the little things.  With the ones I love, but may not agape very well.  Today, I learn to live in agape.