the dream of a garden memorial

I dreamt that I walked in soft green grass,
the whisper of wind in the trees.
The flowers all nodded their sweet hello
as they welcomed the buzzing of bees.

I dreamt of a tree whose leaves unfurled
and gathered my sorrow within
And took it from me and gave me instead
peace and innocent comfort again.

The sun touched my hair in gentle warmth
while the breeze brushed my cheek so soft
Now lightened inside, my heart once more whole
No more burdened by such grief and loss.

I stood and I turned to leave that place
with its sweet peace and timeless lore
Understanding again, she is not here
I will see her in heaven once more.



~ A true dream, written the morning after the death of fellow Luther Seminary Classmate and DL Cohort 4 member, Rebeccah Whitlock  September 11, 2014.  

Does connection mean experience?

Well I am "connected", does that count?
I tweet, I am on facebook, LinkedIn, MySpace, classmates, Skype, and cafe-mom to name a few
I have learned by blackboard on tiger-tracks, on myluthernet and more with classmates in Turkey, Norway, Australia and China.
I blog on blogger,  yelp, and google+.
I share books and pics and songs and more through goodreads, instagram and YouTube
I read on my kindle and ipad, sharing notes with other readers I have never met.
I learn about makeup and crafts and see what my daughter is drawing lately through pinterest and deviantart.
I resource my sermons through a broad number of sites for history, scripture, sermon style, and public speaking.
I email and text, I even teach using google+ and YouTube.

But.... am I experienced? I don't know.  I know how to use analytics and I blog more than randomly. I work Veteran suicide prevention with a team that is all over the world simultaneously.  But  am I making a connection that is real?

My favorite movie is 10 Things I Hate About You- I loved it before most people know who Heath Ledger was... and my favorite line is this:

Tell me something true, tell me something real, something no one else knows. 

On my worst days, I curl into my husbands arms and softly whisper these words.  He knows that means it has been a day I only want to cry over.  That I have seen through my eyes, through a screen through my phone and my monitor that the world is a sad, broken, hurting, and devastated place.  It is bereft of hope and in those moments, I sure as heck feel connected.

But then someone I love dies.  And there is no connection.  I can post my pain, I can blog up a storm- but the community I have built- it can reach into my heart, but it does not pat my shoulder, it does not make me a cup of hot tea and tell me to curl up on the couch for a nap and good cry.  It does not deliver dinner for a break, it does not pick up sick kids from school.  And I wonder- is anybody out there.

And considering all this, that I know what it is to be connected and also alone in this great big cyber world, then yes. I would say, I am experienced too.


Learn more about the idea of "understanding how deeply relational and embodied learning is" and why this matters to a seminarian by reading Engaging Technology in Theological Education by Mary Hess, 2005.

What does real love look like? Seminary, Cohorts and M.E.

What does love with forbearance and forgiveness look like?  What does love lived with passion and open eyes look like?  Can the two be one?

My cohort may never forgive me for this one, but I pray they 'get' it... In fact, I am pretty sure they will.

In my cohort of over 20 people we have all kinds.  We come from all over the country.  Not everyone would choose to spend time as 'best-ies' outside of school, but we have found a common connection beyond our call.  It is called love.

We are not perfect.  We drive each other nuts even as we drive each other on in joy. Here is a short list of some of our better or worse attributes (you decide if they are good or bad, it is all perspective):

Some of us are:
Sociable         Talkative             Timid                Private              Boisterous              Methodical
Studious         Loud                   Meek               Confident          Artistic                   Capable
Skilled            Experienced        Expressive        Modest             Flashy                    Articulate
Simple            Detailed              Humble             Joyous              Self Conscious       Self starters
Driven            Affectionate        Bubbly              Frustrated         Busy                       Calm

You see, we are all kinds of things.  Sometimes annoyingly so, even to each other.  But in those moments that would drive anyone else mad, we are blessed with this amazing grace that lets us see past the annoying part and LOVE the person in front of us.  They are part of us, they are us.  We know no matter how good they may be at something we are not good at, that they are a little doubtful of a different, weaker, skill of attribute of their own.  We know we all bring something to the table.  More than anything, I have seen tremendous patience.  It allows us to breathe, to listen and to HEAR and see each other and what is really happening around us, not just what is colored by our immediate reaction.

This group of people is full of imperfection and disagreement.  One of my closest friends in this group goes NUTS every time she finds out I have not started a 10 page paper that is due in 5 hours- because she is a planner and does her work methodically and carefully.  I on the other hand vomit words on paper and try to sort it out.  It works for me. Hers works for her.  The best part?  We both get A's but if we tried it the other way we would fail miserably.  The lesson here is that we could really drive each other to distraction with our differences, but instead, we love each other all the more.  We (or at least I do) find great comfort in the difference that we see with eyes wide open, full of passion and yet, in forbearance and forgiveness.  (She really needs to forgive me for the white hairs I am giving her when she finds out about these papers... I will buy her hair dye as a token apology next time I see her.)

We are NOT this way because we are future pastors... but we are this way because the Holy Spirit allows us to LOVE with eyes wide open, with deep and convicting passion, with forbearance, and most importantly, with forgiveness.  I could not ask for more.  Now I just wish I could bottle that for the world.

it feels like the first time- all over again- starting a new degree

You would think that once you have been to a couple of colleges, they all would start to have a large degree of commonality.  Not so.  I am floundering around again to learn new terms for a new college and, in the mindset of BK, doing it "their way."

Let me back up a moment and clarify a few things.  I started college and still did not understand, at age 32, what the difference was between an associate and bachelor degree.  It was not until about 2 years ago, at age 36, that I understood the difference between a bachelor of arts or sciences.  I am still struggling to understand the whole graduate and undergraduate component.  So, being the first generation to successfully attend and complete college in my family, I am learning the hard way- through a lot of mistakes, failures, missed deadlines and even more questions that really make me feel uneducated.

Having a bachelor degree under my belt, I thought I would feel smarter.  But not really.  I feel more uneducated than ever before.  I believe someone once said they were once too dumb to know what they didn't know and the more they learned the more they knew what they didn't know.  That would be me now.

I am all set for my classes to begin at Luther Seminary in Minneapolis.  For those who didn't know yet, I am a Master of Divinity student (MDiv)in a fairly new distance learning(DL) program.  (that is a whole different post!).  I will be learning from home, via Internet, but also must spend a month each year (2 weeks every June and January) on campus doing intensives. I also have to volunteer here locally  and keep up with my cohort (that is my learning 'group') weekly.  It is a far more structured distance learning program than most colleges offer, especially at the graduate level, but I believe that is fully necessary given the degree.

Being the first ever MDiv, DL  student for the New York Metro Synod of the ELCA (a Lutheran denomination), I am a guinea pig in a fishbowl- that is, watched quite closely.

So I have observed a few things at this point.
1.  Every college forgets what it is like to be a brand new student with them and misses opportunities to make it a little less frustrating or fear inducing.
2.  Greek doesn't count for credit toward an MDiv degree but you have to take a bunch of it.
3.  Minneapolis is supposed to have amazing stuffed burgers and I am making the list of places to try now.
4.  There is an app for Greek flashcards!
5.  It doesn't feel any different from starting at any other new school- no matter what it is all new and scary.  This is my 14th new start at a school since kindergarten so I think I know the drill but am still swept away by the newness.
6.  Nothing is centrally located for information.  It isn't just at schools, it is that way in life.  Who is supposed to be in charge of SOP's for life? (standard operating procedure)
7.  Reading the whole Bible in 90 days is harder than I thought but much easier than reading it in a year.  (less time to mess around and get behind!)