gut check

Originally composed 3 Feb 2010

"It comes down to a simple gut check: You either love what you do or you don't. Period."

Hmm.

Let me just say, that many times we are unhappy because we have unrealistic expectations. Are you really unhappy with what you do, or are you unhappy with who you are and what you desire? Is your desire focused on the wrong thing? I honestly believe that we could all be happy in whatever we do if we look in ourselves and find out what really matters. Suddenly everything else becomes peripheral. If you are thinking money will make you happy when you are waiting tables, you are wrong. I look back on those poor table-waiting days and realize how happy I really was. If only I had focused on right here and now and not what-if's and maybe's I would have found peace much earlier in life.

The fact is, nothing in life is perfect. It all looks good until you live it- and then you notice the cracks and patchwork that no one else sees... and you can either accept and embrace those cracks as character or you can be miserable with them, thinking that those are greener pastures over that fence.

What we should do with our life is not about professions or occupations. It is about what is inside. What you do to earn money can bring you more happiness, true. But relying on that to bring happiness is false and will fail in time.

What brings happiness is an inner sense of self- of worth, of desire to live life and a realization that we must enjoy the messy eating of the juicy fruit of life- letting the juices run down our faces and arms and licking it up and savoring every moment. That is what we are supposed to do with our lives. Savor the moment and stop thinking anything other than right now will be better.

When a Tree Falls in Your Driveway....

Originally composed 5 March 2010.

Finally~! For over a month everyone but us seemed to be getting snow. The day they said all lower 48 states got snow on the same day- we had none. Upstate got it all. So when they called for a Nor'easter to hit us I was a little excited. I jumped the gun.

This snow was not the pretty light fluffy stuff that stinks for making forts and snowmen. No, it was heavy, wet and huge. Flakes larger than an oreo cookie! HUGE I say! Ever so lovely to watch them fall.

So they fell, and they fell and the world began to turn the softest of whites. The wires began to hang low ...and the trees began to bend...to the ground.

After only a couple of hours I was barely able to drive to the bus stop for the kids (which I never do but wanted to see if I could even get up the street) let alone the train station for Lance.
When I got into town, they had slush, some snow accumulation, but overall, no bending branches and little evidence of what we were seeing at the top of the mount. For their 2-3 we had 6!

That evening branches began falling... huge branches... some of them the major ones of a tree. They fell in the yard, on the neighbors car, in the road. But no whole trees... yet.

The next day Lance went out to shovel- with all that heavy snow still on the trees. That is when it happened. Nick and Graham were out there helping shovel and when he heard a sound he looked to see the tree moving. He yelled at them: "BOYS!! Come NOW!"
Thank God they listened.

I was in the living room, no window to out front. I heard a crash that made my heart skip a beat and I nearly flew up the stairs. Brenden was sitting by the picture window and I asked as I ran up the stairs what happened. With a shocked look on his face he said, "A tree just fell." I ran to the window and all I could see was a massive 80 ft Cottonwood tree taking up my ENTIRE driveway- right where my husband and children were supposed to be. My first thought was: My LORD... they are under that tree crushed in the snow!!!

I do not know what my voice sounded like, but I am sure it was frantic when I breathlessly demanded of Brenden, "Where is your father?" He then pointed to the corner of the window and said, "right there." I looked down and Lance stood with the twins gripped to him and a look of stunned relief on his face. I am sure an eternity passed as my mind attempted to accept that if I saw them standing there they were not under the tree. Then I started to breathe heavily- or maybe I was not breathing at all and had only just begun again.

I finally found my legs and raced down to them. As soon as my arms were around Lance I began sobbing hysterically- something I have never done like this in my life. Ever. Not even as an emotionally overwrought teenage girl. Apparently my crying was so loud that combined with the sound of the tree crashing, the neighbor ran out the door yelling back to his wife to be ready to call 911. He thought for sure something was wrong. I must have stood there sobbing and clinging to Lance forever. Finally I begged him to please just come inside until the snow is off the trees. "Please!!!!"

Finally he did. Then he told me that Graham had been the one who was basically under the tree when it began to fall. I still cannot feel anything when I write that or ponder it- I simply shut down emotionally at the close call my child just faced. Especially when I consider the death the day before of a man in Central Parks- killed by a falling branch.

I have never ever felt such fear, panic, dread, you name it....I felt it.

The tree remains in the yard. The landlord and friends with chainsaws came on Saturday to cut a swath to get us out but the remnants will be there for some time... and every time I see it I want to grab the 3 of them to me and never let go.

So when a tree falls in your driveway- your wife will make a realllllly loud sound- and you will never forget it.

Make a Memory

Originally written 28 May 2010.

Last night Bon Jovi sang this song... and I listened to the words as always, and felt sad as always. It was that sad joy that comes with saying goodbye but also devouring every moment left.

It reminds me of so many moments in my past when I wanted one more moment with someone- to hold onto and cherish forever if I couldn't have them.

I held onto those memories of my love through two icky relationships- never dreaming I would have him again in my arms.

Most people have that one "what if" person in their past... the 'what if we had tried, or tried harder' person. The person that makes them forget for a moment that they are happily married.
I have to say I almost cried when I realized I don't. I have him here, in my arms, kissing me sweetly goodnight as he wraps me into his arms. He wakes me with the same words, for over 17 years now- "Good Morning, I love you."

Those who know me well have heard me say Titanic was a beautiful movie that I will never watch again. It is because it saddens me. I have found that love and I do not want to lose it- and the fact is, life happens and we do. I know that time will come soon enough. Hopefully in another 50+ years, but it will come nonetheless and I will still not be prepared for the loss.

In the meantime, I am sadly happy for my life, for what I have that so many do not. Sometimes I want to feel guilty, sometimes I minimize my blessings to others. The fact is though, that I am blessed beyond measure to have the man of my dreams, a really good man, by my side and that there is no other "what if" person in the past anymore now that he is by my side.


(You want to) Make a Memory (by Jon Bon Jovi)

Hello again
It's you and me
Kinda always like it used to be
Sipping wine, killing time
Trying to solve lifes mysteries
How's your life.
It's been awhile
God it's good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave

If you don't know, if you should stay
If you don't say, whats on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be
You want to make a memory

I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had
It's bittersweet to hear your laugh
Your phone was ringing I don't wanna ask

If you go now, I'll understand
If you stay, hey, I got a plan
You want to make a memory
You want to steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple lines
You want to make a memory

If you don't know, if you should stay
And you don't say, whats on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be
You want to make a memory
You want to steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple lines
You want to make a memory
You want to make a memory

the recipe I cannot write down

What is it about cooking? There is deep satisfaction in that moment of completion of a dish, when you look at it before it is eaten and think, "I made this." You realize you did not waste your time, there is a final result and it is pleasing. Well, pleasing most of the time that is.
The moments of measuring, pouring, sifting, stirring, whipping, rolling, kneading... these are, for the home cook, a 'known' in the unknown of life. I KNOW that if my bowl for whipping egg whites is not clean they will not set up well. I know a cold pastry dough will yield a tender crust. I know a loaf insufficiently kneaded turns out like lead in your stomach.
In life though, we have no such knowledge. We have no guarantees that even if we do "it" right that we will turn out with success. We can walk through life keeping all our promises, doing all the right things, helping, loving and sharing and still not get an easy path- or even a fun one.
We can anticipate others and what they will do, but no guarantees of what will turn out to be true. We cannot even guarantee our own actions!
Even the best of hints, tips and self help books do not ensure a child well turned out. The proverbs were not 'quite' honest. Train up a child in the way he should go and he will more than likely not depart from it- but the fact is, they are their own person and they will do as they will do, regardless of our love, devotion, discipline, prayers and guidance.
But my food, that I can guarantee. I can KNOW that my tortillas will brown to gorgeous golden rings on the tips of tender bubbles. I can know that my scrambled eggs will turn out creamy, light and savory.
Quite simply I wish I could put it down in words and measurements to share with the ones I love. I wish I could share a tip or word of wisdom so your life will turn out as consistent as my tortillas. So while I may try, while I may wish, I cannot share this recipe with you- I cannot even write it down for myself.

Brenden's story

Our oldest child, Brenden Shea Kelly was born October 14, 1995. He came home from the hosptial on our 2nd anniversary- the 16th.

When we found out we were pregnant we had come home to VA for my dad's Army Retirement (surprised him!). I also learned that I get horrible morning sickness and that Army C-130 planes DO NOT help. 4 months of worshipping the porcelain god multiple times a day led to great relief when it passed- as well as several times in the hospital for dehydration. One of those Lance decided he could not take the blood spurting out of the accidentally loosened IV tube in my arm so he went down and had to be admitted to make sure he did not have a concussion... remember this when you get to the epidural part, k?

Labor was long and intensive with him. I had what is called Latent Labor (if I recall right). After they admitted me it was another 56 hours before he was born and for 3 days prior I had spent all day at L&D as they kept thinking it would kick in. No dice, so they would send me home because they HAD to by regulations.

I had horrible back labor. HORRIBLE>I was black and blue over my whole back for several weeks afterwards from mom and Lance pushing on my back to help. They could not lift their arms for several days afterwards due to sore muscles. Oh- and when they did give me the epidural I had one area it did not numb- so all the pain went there. Apparently that happens with every epidural I get.

When I got my epidural (which Lance does not remember because he tried to get all the attention by passing out from the vision of that nice short needle going into my backbone! lol) they lost all of my vitals and Brenden's too. I remember coming to with O2 on my face and people all rushing around me. Close call to C-section number one.

Later, I did a reversal in my progression. I went from 7 to barely a 5. They said that rarely turns itself around and they were going to give me one hour and then prep for c section. 40 minutes later I told them I needed to push- well actually I told them that 20 minutes later but they did not believe me and took 20 to finally come and check me.... to their amazement he was nearly crowned! 3 pushes and my little guy was here. We did not know the sex so we had several names chosen. I wanted Lucas and Lance wanted Brenden. I looked into my husbands eyes and had to cave- his son.... his choice for name. I was so blessed to have them both!

Unfortunately because they had broken my water over 30 hours before I had a reallllly bad uterine infection. (duh- all those people checking me for way too long!) So they had to take him to the NICU to make sure he was ok and monitor him for a few hours.

Of course the hospital had no running water and they had no water to drink- only apple juice- the one thing I cannot drink. The solution from the nurse was to go buy a soda up the hall! ARHGH! With an infection, high fever, etc and you want me to drink a SODA????
Anyone who has given birth also knows about peri-bottles. well when the water came on it was brown and they wanted me to use that in the bottle....with an infection. Nice, huh?
On the 3rd day, late in the day I was allowed to go home with our little bundle.
I found my friends had rearranged my house and cleaned it. I was exhausted but thrilled. Our marriage had brought its first blessing home.

Today that little boy is sprouting chin hairs, has a voice deeper than his dad's and is now officially taller than me... barely. And he turns 14. Not a baby anymore.

joes journey

Forgive me from the beginning; some facts might be a little off as memory or limited conversation may have altered them- where there are corrections I will come back (if I can) and make them or comment on them below.

Joe Iverson used to be our youth pastor in Tomah, Wisconsin at Gloria Dei Lutheran. Sadly, things started to go wrong and he was (mis?)diagnosed with a mental health disorder that made him step down. I wondered what was happening with him but we were off on our move to NY. After settling in I got the horrible news that Joe had brain cancer (thus the possible diagnosis for mental health? Joe can you update me on that one?). Our whole family was on pins and needles.
Joe had been on a cross country bicycling trip when he found out. He was actually in Kansas. I do not know the whole story yet but he had to stop his trip to return home for radiation therapy. He has now been cleared to complete his journey and he is off again. He has been chronicling this in his FB photo album and I love seeing things through his eyes. He had a good appreciation for life before, but now it is tempered with an experience none of us want to have.
He plays guitar and sings for churches along the way. Currently he is in Missouri and the Ozark mountains.
Pray for him and if you want more find him in my friends and ask to be his friend... tell him Julie sent you.

my grandma

For my Grandma T;

Upon this last breath I give her up and trust her to the Lord's embrace. She will feel no more of these worldly things that cause us hurt.

Her pearly white locks will be full of color and youth, her eyes sparkling with joy and excitement as she wanders her grandfathers shop of second hand goods on the end of eternity street. Her soft wrinkled skin will be firm with the color of springtime blossoms reflected in the perfection.

She will know the names of all those who passed before her- the ones she has poured over for years- and now she will have a face to go with. She can ask the questions of them that sit open in those books of history with no answer we know now. And we will envy this knowledge with a smile.

She will sit at a table with her mother and daddy; engaging in loving banter, laughter and joy. She will prepare a place for her lover, her child, her progeny, and wait patiently for us to join her- enjoining us to wait for our time and not come too soon.

She will no longer roll beside us in her scooter, will not guide us over the phone, will not chide us lovingly for a poor choice. She will not holler "Worth" with that disapproving voice when he tells an all too colorful family story... nor will she call out, "Worth" when she seeks his guidance, his voice, his wisdom to balance with hers.

She will not dance with her granddaughters for now. She will no longer crochet an afghan to wrap around us on cold nights when we cry our tears over her passing and her personalized patches sewn with love on each one will become a legacy to future generations.

She is tiny again, a wraith of beauty that no one needs peach colored glasses to see clearly- they will all see her as her beloved did for over 58 years. She now lives in our memories as all too human and frail- not the woman of strength and character we knew- but one whose strength we only now begin to grasp.

Her loving arms will not hold another generation and her missing birthday cards will be the most painful moment of each of our birthdays for years to come. There will be no more PTA baths- instead her lithe heavenly form, slipping gently into sweetly scented pools of crystal clear water that slide over her skin like silk and she breathes deeply and swims with no effort as far as the eye can see.

We will catch our breath as we feel the tears run down our cheeks, struggling to swallow, grasping for solace in words that right now are so lacking in solace... and yet.... we are filled with joy for her- with love that words cannot express our respect, honor, awe, tribute and adoration.

Instead of locked to a chair, taking each breathe from a tube, she will run, ski on one ski, rebuild an engine, climb to a roof, and never, ever need to worry that she cannot breathe.

Now she will dance with cousins long gone, fish with her daddy, walk with our Jesus and know a peace we could not give her here. She will be free, glancing back with a loving expression as if to say- "you will be okay, I taught you well. It is time for you and me both to fly."

And then she will.